I was given a suggestion by a friend who knew a little of what I've been through that maybe I should write down some tips for other Stay-At-Home-Moms (SAHM)/Military Wives facing a deployment. Here are some things that I found helpful on a day-to-day basis that may or may not work for others...but for what its worth this got me through.
#1-God!!! Daily devotional times and prayer.~I usually did this right before going to sleep because my two little ones get up very early and I'm not good at getting up early and or going to bed early. But I so looked forward to reading my devotional "Faith Deployed" by Jocelyn Green that I always made time for it at the end of my day.
#2-Getting to church every chance I could get.~Our church has a fabulous nursery with wonderful people that volunteer their time there (including myself once a month) so not only did this give me a little space and time to just be with God and learn more about God but this gave me a break from my mommy responsibilities and gave my girls a break from me as well. This also gave them opportunity to learn about God's love and socialize with children their age.
#3-Belong to a health club with childcare and go regularly (several times a week).~ The health club I belong to also has great childcare. Again this gave my children a break from me and gave them socialization time in a safe environment. For me, this was time to maintain my health, relieve stress and even get in shower that I knew would not be interrupted by a short little female crying for something. I either took a group class or would strap on my ipod, crank the tunes, get on a machine and move until I was dripping with sweat and feeling more relaxed by the release. If you can't afford to join a health club like this then see if you can't trade off babysitting time with another mother regularly so you can get some uninterrupted exercise time, its so worth it!
#4-Did my ministry (or what others may call volunteer work). ~I am on the steering team of a local MOPS group (http://www.hpmops.blogspot.com/). If you're a SAHM of a preschooler and don't know what MOPS is, check this http://www.mops.org/ out and find a local group!!! This is an extremely giving wonderful, supportive group of ladies that all love the Lord and have become some of my best friends in this part of the country. I have belonged to this group for 2 yrs and this 3rd year I decided to volunteer by serving on the steering team (the team that helps organize the meetings). There a good deal of work involved in being on the steering team but its extremely rewarding work. So find something that is either your "ministry" or a volunteer position so you can do something for someone else. Selfless giving can really yank you out of a self-centered funk which is easy to fall into when you're missing your hubby and feeling overwhelmed by the sudden responsibilities of single parenting.
#5-When having a really bad day, emailing or talking with my support group. ~First person I usually tried to contact was my husband/best friend and luckily with this deployment he had almost constant access to the Internet so I could at least communicate with him in some way on a daily basis. I felt very blessed to have such access to my husband during this deployment, many wives do not. If I needed immediate support I then called my close friends or my mother. I did attempt to not wear their ears down too much so on particularly rough days when I really wanted to stay on the phone talking instead of taking care of my responsibilities, I went to God. I hope he is your #1 support, if not I hope you seek him, he can't be equalled!!!
#6-Early Bedtimes for my children. ~Some days when my daughters were fussy and we were just not getting along too well, they both went to bed by 7:30pm. Now my 19 month old's bedtime is usually 7pm and my 3yr old's bedtime is 8 or 8:30 but some days they were both just too fussy and non-compliant so they both went to bed about the same time because we were all DONE for the day! Early bedtimes were better than all of us crying which some days, did occur for a minute or two.
#7-Spent an hour or so each night just goofing off, trying to "decompress" from the day.~ Sometimes this consisted of me talking on the phone to my family or friends, playing Internet games, sewing, watching a movie/TV, or socializing on facebook. This was pure "me time" in which I was totally wasting time while my girls slept but also a time when I didn't think about all my responsibilities and I just entertained myself.
#8-Spent time in a playgroup or MOPS group at least once a week.~I belong to a local playgroup and I tired to get to a "meetup," or MOPS meeting or just an impromptu socialization time with other mommy friends and their kiddos at least once a week. This gave me and my girls time to socialize, have fun and break the isolation that can be felt during a deployment.
#9-Learned to prioritize on chores and meals.~Since both my girls eat very little most days I did not cook like I did when my husband was home. I made a lot of quick small meals, this gave me more time to take care of my children's needs and get my other chores done. I also did not stress on getting certain chores done (like getting the laundry immediately put away) because I knew eventually they would all get done. As I type this there are two baskets of laundry sitting in bedrooms, one that needs to go in the washer and one that need to go into the dryer, it'll all get done at some point in the next few days. =)
#10-Sought help when I needed it, instead of allowing myself to get overwhelmed. ~I mentioned my youngest daughter's delay in the area of eating earlier; after doing everything I knew to do, hours of research on the topic and getting no where I got her into therapy to get some additional assistance. On days rough days when I really needed time alone away from the house I got a sitter or asked a friend to watch the girls for me. Before my girls or myself got too sick I got medical assistance and of course sought healing from God. Basically when there something I or my girls needed I attempted to get the need met as soon as possible instead of delaying until it was a crisis (speaking to some of those procrastinators out there =}).
#11-Knowing when enough is enough.~Some women have a hard time saying "no" to someone in need, but when it comes at the price of appropriately taking care of my family, important responsibilities or my own sanity then I don't have a problem saying "NO, I can't do that right now." Yes, I volunteer my time but I also know there has to be a balance, I can not do all and be all to someone else if I have over worked myself to the point of sickness or exhaustion, so I don't do it. Know your limits, don't beat yourself up for not being able to get it all done and don't compare yourself to some other "super moms" because she's not really a super mom/wife, she's just good at putting on a front. I grantee you there's something that she feels challenged on as well and something that she has probably forgotten to do that week just like all of us.
#12-Forgiving yourself and others. ~When you do forget that thing you were supposed to do today, let it go, do what you can and move on to something else. When you have really messed up and said or did something to someone else, do what you can to apologize/make up for your mistake and move on. When someone says or does something hurtful to you, realize you've hurt someone in the past as well and no one's perfect. That doesn't justify what they may have done to you but holding onto hurts will only hold you back from the positive things God has in store for you. God commands up to forgive, its not an option, so not only must you forgive yourself for something you messed up on but you must forgive others as well. It doesn't mean you must let a harmful person back into your life to hurt you again but you need to let go of that hurt and give them to God and let him work on them. You can not change anyone but yourself. There has been more than a few occasions during the past 6 months where I felt hurt by someone that I loved (luckily not my husband) and sometimes even after I made attempts to resolve the issue there was still discord. I had to just forgive them, myself for my part in the discord and give the situation over to God. God has worked out most of the discord that has occurred these past 6 months and the few remaining, I have faith that he will work them out, its just a matter of time. Love them from a distance if you can't be or shouldn't be close to them and ask God to take it and work through it on your behalf. This is something I have learned from seeking God on these situations, seeking guidance from Godly people and the last few weeks this was solidified in my heart and the words to express this were given to me by our pastor who spoke about this last week.
#13-Lastly, but certainly not least, Maintained a positive connection with my husband every chance I got. ~When my husband did a year-long remote assignment to Korea we had more than a few disagreements but we were also new parents, and new to the experience of being apart. We learned from our mistakes. Unlike last time, I didn't cut off communication with him even for a day, when I got annoyed with him. I didn't blame him or expect him to do something that he couldn't reasonably do during his deployment. My husband tends to be an over-achiever at times, just like myself, this sometimes results in me thinking he could do all and be all I needed him to be, which was total unrealistic thinking induced by stress. I would get stressed out by something then I would want him to do or say something to make it all better (because at home many times he could) and many times during this and past times of separation he was just not physically able to do that for me even if he desired to. I found that even if he didn't act like he cared, he did, but in an email it can be hard to express that and sometimes hard for me to hear it come through, same thing applies to a web cam or phone conversation, especially when he is tired from his duties and just wanted to be home. I think this took work on both of our parts, we both consciously decided and said to one another "this will not weaken our marriage but this will make it stronger" before he left and I know this time apart has done just that. Many marriages fall apart during and after deployments for many different reasons. Two areas you can try to control in order to prevent damage to your marriage are trust and communication. If you are having problems in either of those areas it will only get worse if your spouse is on the other side of the world for a few months. So get counseling immediately for those two issues (and any other issues that concern you) before a separation occurs. Then when challenges occur during a separation you are not emotionally pulled apart but you ban together and decide "we will get through this as a family." Free counseling for military couples can be sought by contacting http://www.militaryonesource.com/
Well that's all the knowledge I have to share at this point. I'm sure I'll learn more as time goes on and circumstances change. I know there are many books out there on this subject but I felt if there was even one little helpful nugget that I could impart that God has taught me through this deployment then it was worth my time to type this out, I hope it was worth your time to read it and I hope it encouraged you even if you are not a SAHM & or Military Wife.
Next time I write my husband will be home...YEAH!!!!!
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